Whether you've been together for 3 months or 10 years, sometimes it feels like your significant other is speaking a different language.
And they just might be.
A few years back, I read the game-changing self-help book The Five Love Languages.
The book coins an individual‘s most preferred or appreciated way of receiving and/or giving love as a "love language." As alluded in the title, there are five of them:
Physical Touch
Quality Time
Acts of Service
Words of Affirmation
Receiving Gifts
The book breaks down the psychology and motivations behind each love language, how understanding them can improve your relationships, and even how it can apply in specific contexts and scenarios. If you haven't heard much about love languages before, I'll give you the Reader's Digest version.
Physical Touch
Here are the cuddlers and hand-holders of the world. It's important to note that the physical touch love language isn't centered around sexual touch but tender, intimate gestures. It's all about hugs, forehead kisses, hand-holding, cuddling, and all the butterflies.
Quality Time
These are the date-nighters. They love a date night out or in, as long as it's with you and your undivided attention.
There are also two subcategories of quality time: quality conversation and quality activities. Those who value quality conversation want to spend time so they can have valuable, uninterrupted time to talk with you (think 3 a.m., deep convos in the car). Quality activity lovers want to share a fun experience with you (think weekend trips, concerts, and going out).
Acts of Service
Actions speak louder than words to Acts of Service-ees. They see their loved one's service as a meaningful sign of love and care. They tend to always be serving others, so remember to take a bit off their load.
Words of Affirmation
If you feel it, word-lovers need to hear it. Genuine words and compliments affirm their heart and quiet their insecurities. They both love and need to hear how you feel and melt at every "I love you."
Receiving Gifts
A token of your relationship is the way to their heart. They love to see your love through tangibility and appreciate the thought and effort that goes into personalized gifts.
It's not the money but the thought you put into it.
Take the test here (and have your loved ones take it too!)
When Shane and I were first married, I took my first communication class. One of the first units was about love languages. Perfect timing to learn this lesson.
I quickly learned my thoughtful compliments and spontaneous hugs were appreciated by him but not as much needed as acts of service.
This was not something that spoke to me at the time. My love languages are 1) physical touch and 2) quality time.
So, my professor had us experiment: effortfully try speaking our significant other's, a family member's, or friend's (this concept applies to non-romantic love, as well!) love language for a week.
Doing dishes, laundry, cleaning, and organizing the house didn’t seem romantic to me at first—until I saw his reaction and felt his love and appreciation. This experiment made me realize how much effort it really takes to consciously serve, which made me understand why he appreciates service so much.
Love is work, bliss, and a continuous choice. It may often be a reaction or an immediate feeling, but it grows even stronger in those moments where you choose to further love and accept your partner.
It can be difficult to learn a language. It takes effort and practice. Once you start learning your loved one's love language, yours probably won’t change, but you’ll learn to understand appreciate them more. You may even notice more signs of their love for you, as people tend to speak in the way they want to be spoken to.
One easier first step to help you better understand your partner is to combine your love languages.
For example, mine is physical touch, and Shane's is acts of service. One simple way to combine those is through a massage. This incorporates my tender, physical touch element with his selfless, service element. Activities like this help us both feel loved and that we're fully giving love.
Here are some ~combinations~ I've come up with to combine the other love languages. Feel free to brainstorm your own!
Physical touch + Quality time
Date night (remember to turn off the phones)! Make an effort to hold hands, cuddle, and PDA a bit while you're out! If it's a date night in, try watching a movie and sitting close.
Physical touch + Words of affirmation
Your words mean more in person. Share how you feel, and pair it with all the hugs, kisses, and cuddles.
Physical touch + Acts of Service
Stress-relieving massages combine physical touch's need for closeness and acts of service's appreciation of help.
Physical touch + Receiving gifts
Similar to acts of service, give a gift of a massage. If receiving a gift from a physical touch speaker, remember to thank them with a hug and kiss.
Quality time + Receiving gifts
Give a gift of an event like a concert, festival, or evening out. Buy them a new outfit to go out together in. Go shopping together, and pick out items for each other! You could also buy something that will help you spend more time together like a board game.
Quality time + Words of affirmation
Set aside some time to just talk! Express how you feel about each other. Have a good time together, no phones, just talking and walking or driving around town.
Quality time + Acts of service
We'll cook, and I'll clean? Try making a meal together. Sit down, and eat it together, and do the dishes for your acts of service speaker after.
Words of affirmation + Receiving gifts
Give a gift of a heartfelt letter or something engraved.
Words of affirmation + Acts of service
Try out some words of encouragement. Maybe serve your partner with a listening ear. Offer help. Say thank you, and express how you feel after the other serves you.
Acts of service + Receiving gifts
I remember I used to give my parents cute little coupon books of chores for Christmas. Maybe it's cheesy, but try something like that. Give a gift of doing something for someone.
Combining your love languages is a fun way to better get to know and understand your loved ones. Trying to serve them in their own language shows you really care. Keep mindfully loving each other, and you may just become ~fluent~ in love.
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